I've just made it through a sort of manic period at work. Over the last month, I have had to shut down my mind (and my heart) to many of the things that really matter to me, just so I could get through hosting a series of events that, in the scheme of things, are not such large-scale affairs. But for me, as a sensitive and creative introvert, they were stressful to the max. The older I get, the fiercer the kickback from my soul becomes when I agree to take on tasks that simply do not fit me. Just because I can... doesn't mean I should, right?
I believe that every experience we encounter is a teaching moment from our higher selves. I'm about to take a small yet very definite step towards working for myself and away from working for others. I want to know what it feels like to work at something that really makes my heart zing. It is so scary, yet exhilarating at the same time. I'm seeking my path of purpose. True purpose, not just existence. And I do not doubt that in order to recognise what our true path actually is, we need to understand what our true path is not.
Which is why we create experiences for ourselves that eventually highlight what is not right for us. And this last month has been one of those defining moments for me. In among all the stress associated with work, I was so shut down by stress and worry that I stopped giving myself Reiki. Every time I tried to do a self-healing, my mind would wander off to work, hijacked by the small and insignificant stuff that does not really mean that much to me, but had seemed to take over my mind so completely. And that really scared me.
So where I once stood with trepidation about pursuing a pathway that involves teaching and healing, I am now convinced that Spirit has been trying to show me what doesn't work for me just to give me a kick up the backside. To trust. To commit. To embrace the fear and just do it anyway. Stepping out, showing up, living with integrity. Pursuing what I love and trust in order to make this world a better place. It doesn't get much better.
On Thursday night, I drank whiskey to celebrate the end of these events. I NEVER drink whiskey, but that night, I was determined to do something totally out of the box, something radically different, in an attempt to mark the shift away from what I had been doing and the movement towards where I was headed next. In fact, that simple throat-burning nip helped me shed a psychic skin. As I sat at the bar with my husband, looking out at the full moon rising up into the clear June sky, I felt like I was witnessing my own rising. A sort of rebirth. I sensed the potent pull of new beginnings.
In the days since, I have felt a transformation taking place in my body. My heart has started to relax. The knots in my stomach have started to loosen, my shoulders have dropped, my hips have softened, my jaw has unlocked. I can feel the joy rising up from within me once again. Emancipated from the slavery of doing what doesn't work for me, I am free to imagine what those new beginnings might possibly look like.
The flood gates of my mind have been opened and all the thoughts and feelings that have been sitting on the back burner for months have finally been invited back into the prefrontal cortex to play! Oh happy day!
Words are flowing out like
Endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me.